The question is
a powder-keg. Those who immediately answer “yes” can hurl as many barrels of
anecdotal evidence as those who scream “no.”
Few treat this as a legitimate
issue — opinions are given in a tone that implies that the very question
violates common sense. Different answers are given. Different passages are
cited. Different hills are constructed and died on.
So, can
Christian women and men be friends?
To start,
multiple kinds of male-female
friendships deserve unique attention.
A single woman
and a married man.
A married woman and a single man.
A married woman and a married man.
A single woman and a single man.
What do these
friendships look like? Should they exist? Does God prohibit them, or are they
vital to the body of Christ? Are they obviously inappropriate, or undeniably
essential in healthy church community? It seems to me, after considering the
biblical evidence, that male-female friendships lean even more heavily on a
process that exists in all friendships:
1.
Weighing the risks of the relationship
2.
Implementing necessary and loving boundaries into the
relationship
3.
Reaping unique Christ-exalting benefits from the relationship
We usually undergo
this process subconsciously with each new relationship: evaluating whether the
relationship will be detrimental to ourselves or disobedient to God, and if it
is not, identifying healthy parameters to make the relationship as fruitful as
possible, and finally enjoying the ongoing benefits of the relationship.
As we ask the
question, “Can women and men be friends?” we must realize that each new
possibility of a friendship between a woman and a man may require a “no” or
“yes” in various circumstances, or at various stages of life.
Unavoidable Risks
Since any godly
male-female friendship will be friendship between two disciples of Christ, the
first step in building that friendship is to “count the cost, whether [you
have] enough to complete it” (Luke 14:28). Enough information. Enough
self-control. Enough community. Enough wisdom.
1. Male-female friendships risk unreciprocated feelings.
One person has
completely innocent or friendly intentions, and the other falls in love.
Between a married person and anyone other than their spouse, the friendship
should end immediately.
But even
between single people, the dangers are significant. Male-female friendship
always brings the possibility for awkwardness, for conflict, for heartache.
Someone’s thinking, “Is this going somewhere?” and
someone isn’t. This is called “the friend zone,” and it’s very easy for
tectonic plates of desire to create exciting and heated friendship when that
heat is, in fact, caused by motivations moving in opposite directions.
Whether we’re
the desiring or the desired, let’s be honest with ourselves: do we both reallywant the same thing from this
friendship? If we don’t ask ourselves this question, someone will eventually
pay the serious consequences.
2. Male-female friendships risk sexual temptation.
If we blindly
wander into male-female friendships with the naïve notion that they are no
different than same-gender friendships, we are blindly and dangerously
mistaken. They are different. Tragic and heartbreaking trends in the church
suggest affairs very often begin subtly or even innocently, and end in horrible
destruction. Patterns of one-on-one intimacy between members of the opposite
sex naturally cultivate the
kind of intimacy that leads to romance.
Solomon writes,
“A wicked man . . . with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing
discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be
broken beyond healing” (Proverbs 6:12, 14–15).
This is the
wrong attitude: “We aren’t fooling around. There’s nothing to worry about. It’s
not like that.” The calamity of fornication almost always occurs suddenly. It always
surprises us. It always shows up at our door with an innocent smile. Or perhaps
it leads us to someone else’s door. Someone’s couch.
The spark of
sexual immorality may be the difference of an inch, a glance. The question we
must honestly and consistently ask ourselves is: “Does the structure of our
relationship look like kindling primed for a forest fire?” If your attitude
about your intimacy is relaxed, it is likely set to blaze.
3. Male-female friendships risk undermining marriage.
It’s common for
single people to be demonized as the “temptresses” or the “bait,” while the
married folk are just the victims of preying mistresses (or misters). Yet, it
seems that temptation often comes the other way, from the married person to the
single: for example, Joseph and Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39:11–18), or at least
ambiguous, in the case of the church member and his father’s wife (1
Corinthians 5:1).
The point isn’t
to condemn or idolize any one marital status as more protected than the other.
The point is to recognize the common human element that makes possible the
subversion of the marriage covenant if one (or both) persons are married. A few
diagnostic questions are:
·
Are we spending time alone together?
·
Are our meetings (especially locations) increasingly private?
·
Are we complaining about our marriages (or love life) to each
other?
·
Are we texting each other privately?
·
Do I find myself thinking about them, or fantasizing about a
life with them?
·
Do I find myself excusing intimacy that would be otherwise
inappropriate?
Potential Rewards
Once the risks
of a male-female friendship have been considered and weighed, we can ask the
question, “Can these risks be mitigated?” Can humility and honesty, community
and accountability, protect us from the looming consequences, and allow us to
enjoy the good that can come from these friendships?
1. Godly boundaries.
Every
relationship — all intimacy — flourishes with the right kind of boundaries. And
the sort of relationship dictates what boundaries it needs to flourish. “The
path of life leads upward for the prudent, that he may turn away from Sheol
beneath” (Proverbs 15:24). So what is the appropriate path for female-male
friendships?
The answer is,
of course, different for each kind of relationship. But the point is boundaries should exist. Some examples
would be:
·
No private text messages (always include a spouse, or another
godly friend).
·
No private or secret meetings (the right person or people always know).
·
No detailed discussion of marriages or love lives.
Wisdom requires
some no’s in order to maintain the safety and integrity that leads to life, and
not the carelessness or liberty that leads to sin.
2. Good, clear, communication.
Put the
opposite way, sin thrives in the laziness of ambiguity. Let’s be honest about our own intentions: why are we really
compelled to build and invest in this friendship? Is it because we like the
attention we get from the other person that we can’t get from a spouse or from
prospective spouses? Is it because we are subtly aroused by flirting with the
boundaries of something that feels off-limits?
God rewards a
thoughtful answer that honestly reflects the state of our hearts. And we need
to be careful, in the context of rigorous community, that we’re not fooling
ourselves about our own intentions.
Once we have
been honest about our own intentions, we must articulate them clearly. Are we
friends for the sake of the church, for the sake of a project, for the sake of
enjoying a mutual hobby, for the sake of serving the church? Let’s have an answer, and let interactions that
veer away from that agreed upon purpose remain off-limits.
3. strong community.
It’s easy for
the church to split itself into men’s ministries, women’s ministries, and
couples’ ministries. The singles become the wild card, often throwing what
might have been an easy system of purity out of sync. But friendships between
men and women in the church are one holy expression of the hard-fought intimacy
God has earned for us in Christ (Galatians 3:28), especially as we draw others
into those friendships as safeguards.
All the effort
we put into boundaries and clarity both honors and enacts this gift — a gift
that shouldn’t be prohibited in principle among God’s
people. But they should only be allowed when there are
appropriate lines of sight with people informed and involved enough to protect
both parties.
"All things
are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful” (1 Corinthians 10:23).
What is
good for some is not profitable for all — and may be harmful. What may be a
beautiful and holy male-female friendship in one instance may not be translatable
to every male and female, and certainly cannot be absolutized to every male and
female. To do so would simply be unwise and unsafe.
But when the
risks have been weighed and the rewarding structures have been established, we
can, with a clear conscience, come before God and ask him to bless our
friendships with the opposite sex. This confidence is earned through a mature
and godly track record: “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever
one sows, that will he also reap” (Galatians 6:7). But it is available. And it
is beautiful. And like all beautiful things, it requires patient investment,
open-handed humility, ruthless selflessness and self-awareness, and
self-control.
Paul encourages
us, “Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not
in sexual immorality and sensuality” (Romans 13:13). It’s interesting that Paul
contrasts “sexual immorality” with “walk properly as in the daytime.” When our
texts aren’t private, our meetings aren’t sneaky, our intimacy not shrouded and
smirking, we can participate in the kind of pure intimacy in male-female
friendships that is public and commendable, filled with grace and truth.
“Love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:18). No
pharisaical command about male-female relationships should inhibit this
command. Neither should a libertarian free-for-all subtly subvert it. God
delights in male-female friendships, but only when they say something true and
good about him to the world (John 13:35). Men and women, let’s be diligent in
wisdom, relentlessly above reproach, and let’s be friends
